There’s a saying in the racing world that goes something along the lines of “if you ain’t rubbing, you ain’t racing.” Well, that saying has no place in the parking lot, but that didn’t stop these parkers from trading a little paint.
Back it up, back it up, back it up. Perfect. When this modern day Marco Polo gets in the lot, beware, because a bumper kiss is a-comin’. You park like an idiot, good sir. Now peel your bumper off my Honda and get on with your day.
Every so often, there’s a feat a vehicular misplacement so astonishing it deserves a second – and maybe even third, fourth or fifth – look to fully drink in the terrible parking job you’re witnessing.
Buckle up your kiddos, because today we’re bringing you a lengthy breakdown of such an occurrence, one that took place in the capitol of big steaks and even bigger trucks— Dallas, Texas.
Ladies and gentlemen, we present, the Disaster in Big D.
We know, there’s a lot to take in here, even more than the 12-inches of stale bread and sweaty bologna our primary offender is shoveling down while this parking atrocity bakes under the hot Texas sun. Bad parking job? Sure, but let’s start with the most obvious offense first.
In the annals of bad parking jobs, seven monumental achievements of douchebag parking jobs stand out among the rest. Bust out your pen and paper, history buffs, and prepare to take some bad parking notes as we dive into the Seven Blunders of the Parking World:
Hanging Dump Truck of Babylon
From antiquity to the modern day, no example of awful parking was more precariously placed than the Hanging Dump Truck of Babylon. How did it get there? Did it ever come down? Can someone please get this guy a bad parking magnet? These are the questions historians will be left asking for decades.
Years ago, when Do Your Park was looking for a way to make its mark on the parking world, we were faced with a choice – crank out some snarky, often offensive, magnets or set up a spiritualistic self-help center aimed at healing the emotional trauma of caused by bad parking. Note that we never would have come up with that sweet doodle shaming fat folks on airplanes if we had gone the way of the eight-fold path, but it’s fun to think about, right?
The first step toward healing is always understanding the problem, so let’s have a gander at our Five Stages of Parking Grief:
You know the feeling. You’re rolling through the lot when you come upon something that makes you question the very nature of humanity. Is this real? Am I real? Do you have to plan this level of bad parking? Cards, flowers and well-placed sympathies can do little to shake you from this existential crisis, but soon, your emotions turn to…
It’d be so easy. Who would see? With a simple flick of the wrist and kiss of the key, you could permanently brand this turd gobbler in a way that parking tickets, fake vomit or a prissly little bad parking note never could. It’d feel good. It’d feel right, but suddenly, a thought pops into your head…
There’s a little room, ya? Maybe I could squeeze in. Maybe Captain “You Park Like an Asshole” isn’t so bad. Maybe I just need to try a little harder. You crank the wheel, furrow your brow and give it your best shot. Suddenly, reality sets in and you realize the cause is a hopeless one…
Did I really need to leave the house today? Doubt starts to frolic through your brain and you realize that today’s mission just wasn’t in the parking cards. Funny how quickly your thoughts can turn on you, isn’t it? You flick off your turn signal, preparing to head home, when it hits you…
Burn this sunnuvabitch to the ground! We know this is where you’d expect to find the cathartic sense of acceptance, but that’s not how we roll. We’re cruising deep into Shame Town and Tommy Two-Spots just punched himself a first class ticket. Fake parking jobs, the kind where you just phone it in and hope no one notices, have no place in this society. Someone has to pay…
OK, OK…let’s walk this one back a step or two.
You get why we ditched the self-help route early on, ya? We’re spiteful, petty people, and if you’ve read this far, chances are you are too.
Now why don’t you grab a pack of magnets, get out into the world and do a little shaming?
Captain’s Log Day 49:
Our expedition into the depths of the Amazonian rainforest has brought catastrophe. Late yesterday evening, the keel of our vessel struck a hallowed out canoe carelessly double parked alongside the river’s banks. We took on water and within minutes the ship had gone under. Our crew swam to shore, but sadly, Dave from HR was claimed by the river.
He was always a bit of a downer, and butterfingered our last pack of smokes overboard – so all in all, not a huge loss.
It’s not everyday we see our bad parking cards come to life. And even though this happened way back in 2011 (prior to Do Your Park’s founding) our design still happens to be a wonderful coincidence. Great minds shame alike?
“This is the incredible moment a frustrated mayor drove an armoured vehicle over a Mercedes-Benz S-Class parked in a cycle lane. Arturas Zuokas became infuriated with motorists parking their luxury cars illegally around the Lithuanian capital of Vilnius. So the 43-year-old politician drove over this Merc in a Russian tank to set an example. The mayor said: “I’ve had enough of these drivers parking their luxury cars on bike lanes and pedestrian crossings. This tank is a good tool to solve the problem of parking in the wrong place.” We think it was probably a set-up, but we certainly wouldn’t take a chance by parking illegally in Vilnius.” (source)
Here’s our hero in action:
March 24, 1989:
Exxon Valdez tanker parks itself off the coast of Alaska, sending BP on a 21-year quest to regain the title of “top ecological terrorist.”
