Parking Breakdown: Disaster in Big D

Every so often, there’s a feat a vehicular misplacement so astonishing it deserves a second – and maybe even third, fourth or fifth – look to fully drink in the terrible parking job you’re witnessing.

Buckle up your kiddos, because today we’re bringing you a lengthy breakdown of such an occurrence, one that took place in the capitol of big steaks and even bigger trucks— Dallas, Texas.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present, the Disaster in Big D.

We know, there’s a lot to take in here, even more than the 12-inches of stale bread and sweaty bologna our primary offender is shoveling down while this parking atrocity bakes under the hot Texas sun. Bad parking job? Sure, but let’s start with the most obvious offense first.

What in God’s name are they driving?

From the look of things, our offender is out for their usual lunch of Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki followed by a delightful chilled treat from TCBY, not hauling a test load for the next season True Texas Truckers. We can only assume that, after a certain point, a steady diet of oversized sandwiches and frozen yogurt makes a dually truck the only way to haul your fat ass across town.

And while we’re talking about those back tires…

Might as well point out a little move we’re going to brand the Texas Two Step. You know those cheesy family photos were each member stands on opposites sides of a state line? This is kind of like that, except this will earn you a fake parking ticket from the fake Texas Rangers. Meanwhile, a nice gentleman in a wheel chair is forced to roll himself across the steaming hot Texas asphalt because…

You guessed it! They guy who thinks the lines in parking lots are merely suggestions also thinks handicapped spaces are first-come, first-served. It really couldn’t get any worse, can it? But wait, what’s this…

GOOD LORD, IT’S CONTAGIOUS! WHAT SORT OF CRACK IS THIS SUBWAY SELLING!!!??

Whatever’s going on in Dallas, consider us triggered! Someone get down there with a pack of magnets and clean up that town.